as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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