Have you finally orgasmed yet?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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