I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
