a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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