I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
