My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
