Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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