I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
