I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
