The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I still have a little drunk in my system
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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