Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"