I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed