oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
