Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
