When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
