I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
