So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
