If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
