People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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