You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
