How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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