party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
