Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
