you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
