I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
