He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
