he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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