Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
