booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
