tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
