the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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