I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
