I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
