Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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