Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
