you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
