see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
