Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
