why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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