I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
