I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
