i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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