Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
