He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
