i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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