You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
