Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
