If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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