Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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