we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My penis needs a shock collar
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
