I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
