new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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