is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
