I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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