Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
