dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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