4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
